Essays · PG

$pring Break 2k16: The Kiddos of Destiny take D.C. Part 2: The Long and Winding Road

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I am calling this one PG, because I’m sure that someone will be offended by something in here, and I really don’t want to go over the entire thing with a fine comb, looking for the slightest problems so I can rate it accurately. There isn’t anything too bad though, or I would have remembered it. Hopefully.

3/18/16: A Friday

Written in the style of Jack Kerouac

On the day of a big trip, I am almost never able to sleep in. I’m just too excited, like a dog who has been told he’s going to the park. Never mind the fact that the dog is actually being taken to the vet to be put down, and will never chase a squirrel again. This day was different however, because this was college, and I was freaking exhausted. It was 830 in the morning (0830 for you military folks), and I craved sleep more than anything. I sat up, sleep clinging to me like an older band aid with a little bit of stickiness left on it.

“I hate you all” I said, to nobody in particular, as I slithered out of bed and began to throw my clothes in a bag. It was a Friday, so normally I could sleep another hour, and wake up just in time to go to chapel and listen to someone entirely unlike me deliver a sermon that I will undoubtedly need in twenty years, and wish I’d paid attention to.

After a brief shower, I went to Cobrewhahaheeheehoho to grab breakfast. I made it at 925, leaving just a couple minutes to grab an omelette. The omelettes at Union are pretty great, and are one of the only reasons I wake up in the morning. Them, coffee, and Dr. Ryan’s wünderbar face are all that get me through Tuesdays and Thursdays, to be completely honest. With sustenance in my system, I headed back to Watson (My car, if you weren’t paying attention to the first part of this story) to finish packing.

Everyone else arrived shortly before 10, and we managed to get everything in my car fairly easily. We brought too much food, but this would allow for fun Hansel and Gretel games in D.C. if we wanted. With everything packed away, Jon read a prayer for travelers from the book of Common Prayer.

Afterwards, we all belted out the Doxology in the middle of the Heritage parking lot, putting your average monastery to shame. After we finsihed singing, we got into the car, ready to drive for oh so terribly long. Shea put on the new Ra Ra Riot album, and the unique beat of “Water” rang through my GMC Envoy, filling us all with joy. Well, when I say all of us, I mean everyone who likes good music, so Danielle is kinda sorta left out.

The first leg of the trip was great. I was driving, my body didn’t hurt, and nobody hated anyone yet. Yes, some weird music was playing, but when one rides with Shea and Jon, one should come to expect weird music, most of it quite excellent. We stopped for lunch at a rest stop around 1 o’clock, and ate our peanut butter sandwiches underneath a large, middle-earth esque tree. Sadly, it was a Friday during lent, so Jon and I didn’t eat meat. For any of you who might accuse us of being closet vegetarians, I can assure you we both hate animals with a fervor.

After lunch, the triad of men did some sumo squats to burn off those pesky calories. This was followed by a brisk jog around the welcome center, which I let Jon win. Poor guy needs all the winning he can get.

We were all headed to the car, when Melissa said “Hey guys! We should all break the law!” to which everyone except me said “Great idea, Melissa! Let’s do it!” I tried to be the voice of reason, of course, but in a democracy, my one voice doesn’t stand up to four equal ones. Regardless, they decided to go climb on a bridge we had noted earlier, and set off on a trek across the highway, completely ignoring laws and stuff. In order to protect them from hidden dangers, I went with them, completely opposed to this venture.

On the way, we saw many wonderful things including a grape gatorade bottle which had been refilled with what looked like orange gatorade, and a whole lot of airplane bottles of SKYY Vodka. Due to a fence, intended to keep inquisitive youths from crossing the highway to go see a bridge, we inquisitive youths had to walk along the entirety of the highway to go see a bridge. This was sweetly ironic, as the establishment who was trying to protect us had inadvertently put us in more danger. We continue our walk, waving at the cars as they came and went from the rest center, occasionally sticking our thumbs out sideways, which we discovered is a great way to make large white vans stop for you.

Once we crossed the highway, we could see the bridge ahead of us. Sadly for the other four kiddos, there was another fence in between us and the bridge. This fence included an unprecedented flow of electrons, which, in the common language is usually referred to as an “electric fence.” Now the Kiddos of Destiny can be stupid (myself not included), but nobody had any plans to reenact the infamous “The Green Mile” scene, so we stayed away from the fence. Well, I poked it with a stick, but I was just channeling my inner Steve Irwin. We all walked back to the cars, climbing onto the ledge beneath the overpass for extra danger. We drove off, and all was quiet for a little while. Too quiet.

I believe it was Aristotle who once said “I swear on pepperoni pizza if I don’t get out of this freaking car I will LOSE MY MIND.” Like many philosophical ideas, I didn’t fully appreciate this one until I fully matured. We all told as many stories as we could fathom, I read the introduction and the first chapter of “Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” and Danielle and myself watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine until my computer died. That’s a lot of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. My legs had begun to give out, and I was beginning to understand the same claustrophobia that Jack Torrance underwent. A ripe bud of insanity at the base of my skull began to open, and I could feel the wolves coming out to play- Oh thank God, we arrived.

Not sure what those wolves were, but stretching my legs was the greatest thing ever. A man left Jon’s house, and I desperately hoped it was his father.

“Hi, I’m Tim Hall,” said the man, extending a handshake to me. I was not sure if he was actually Jon’s father, but I didn’t imagine I’d be able to perform a DNA test until at least Monday, so I accepted the charade, and pretended to suspect nothing. The test later confirmed that they were related, so have no fear.

At 12:30, once we unloaded the car, Jon gave us an extremely abridged house tour, and we all headed to bed, eager to wake up from our vivid nightmares multiple times in the wee hours of the morning.

“But wait,” said Danielle, just as I thought I would get into bed. “There’s a white board in the basement where you guys are sleeping, so we should draw on it.”

Before I even had a chance to say “nooooooooooooo” everyone agreed, and began to draw on the board. Jon wrote “All who wander are not lost” in the IPA beneath a self portrait of Shea, while Melissa and Danielle draw themselves holding hands and an elephant who believes he can fly. I was lying on an air mattress, wanting to go to sleep, but then the markers were thrown at me, and I was forced to try and fake some artistic sensibilities. I can’t draw, and considering Jon, Shea, and Melissa had already written many things in Arabic, French, the IPA, and probably some Latin, I wasn’t feeling like writing something clever in another language. What was left? Blink 182, of course.

Of all the songs in the wonderful world of music, I know a pitiful few. Of these, the majority are undoubtedly punk and/or rock songs. Of these, a good deal are Blink 182 songs. Sadly, the vast percentage of the songs put out by Delonge, Hoppus, and a drummer have potty words in them, so I can’t very well write one of these songs out. The only song I could think of immediately was “I Miss You,” that legendary punk pop song lamenting a breakup that we all cried to in 8th grade when whatshername talked to whatshisface in class instead of you. It took a while, but I eventually completed the lyrics, wrapping them around all of the pictures and words already on the board. With this task completed, I went to bed, eagerly awaiting the first day in D.C. the next day.

I KNOW THAT THIS WASN’T VERY MUCH, BUT I’LL PUBLISH THE NEXT PART SOON, SO STAY TUNED AND ENTERTAINED. I’M TRYING TO KEEP EACH ENTRY TO 1500 WORDS OR LESS, WHICH IS MORE DIFFICULT THAN YOU WOULD IMAGINE. BYE.

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